we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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