I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
