I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
