I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
