Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
