nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
