I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
