before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
