Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
