literally had 100 drinks last night.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
