can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
