Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
it glows. i had to have it.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
