I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
