If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
why do cheetos always look like penises
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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