Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
