I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
