I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
