Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
