There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
