I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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