hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so let's talk penis.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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