I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
