I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
