You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
