god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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