one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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