There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
