can u get pink eye on your cock?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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