He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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