i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
