Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
