I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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