I think im going to throw up on grandma
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
