if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
