so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
