Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
