the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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