Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
