he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
