Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
