remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
