I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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