I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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