I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
