I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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