Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
