My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
