We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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