i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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