when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
