He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
