How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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